Lousy

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Lousy

adj.

bad or poor : of poor quality : not good or skillful

In order for us to start conducting our research paper, we must first make a letter for request and let our teacher in-charge and principal to sign it. We didn’t have any idea how to make a formal letter nor had any past experiences about it but since it’s for the grade (ugh) we tried making one.

We already printed it but first, we let him check our output. It was wrong. I didn’t bring my laptop so we stayed inside the faculty room and asked a teacher if we could borrow his laptop and thankfully, he agreed. We were two students just using a one, lag laptop. We made another and then it was wrong again! I was feeling the first sign of laziness in my body. I felt horrified.

I should not feel this! I should focus on making a letter! 

I keep on repeating those words to me. I was the only one in my group who focused on making the letter since they were also practicing for our speech choir. I made another one and I hoped it’s right already. Then my friend, went inside and I realised I was wrong again! I already printed it! (grrr)

An hour had passed and we’re still inside the room. We were already three at that time since my friend stayed inside and also fixed their letter. We tried joking around. Listened to the laughs of the teachers. While Marty  was editing their letter, I diverted my attention to the teachers and I always heard them saying how tired they were and the principal was observing them so they must speak in english while lecturing. I realised, at that point, that the teachers are also like the students. They are under someone who is more higher than them and they must respect and follow the rules or else, they might lose their jobs.

Marty finished editing so it was my turn. He tried helping me and I was so grateful! I already clicked the print button when the connection was lost! Then he suddenly entered the room. The teachers were all quiet. Marty and Johanna went near to him and it was wrong again. His name was misspelled so we must correct it and we must highlight the title of our study. Then he said

“You can’t even make a simple letter!”

He also scolded Marty and I can sense he was horrified. I heard him saying that we should highlight the title so I thought italization was okay but I asked for a confirmation.

“Sir, okay lang kung italize?”

I thought he would answer me in a better way but he just destroyed my day.

“Unsa man akong gisulat? Bold or capitalization! Mag buot man jod sa gusto!”

I know a teacher must teach his/her student to fix what’s wrong and straighten what had been crooked but I can’t help the feeling of being insulted.

“Mga lousy!”

I heard those words from his mouth again for the second time. I don’t know what to feel every time he said those to me. I am always scared. Terrified. Belittle myself.

I saw and a teacher was looking at me intently while all that I felt at that time was the embarrassment the three of us experienced. We tried to just laugh when he finally walked out of the room. We were all stressed mixed with disappointment. I felt again for how many years in my life how stupid and idiot I am. I am nothing. I am just a mere girl who tried to cloth herself to hide the scars of the past. I know it was also my fault. I don’t have the right to feel this way for I am just a student. A student who must follow what the teacher told me to do.

Johanna bought a food because she was so hungry. She didn’t eat a snack since she immediately edited their letter. We tried talking to the teachers and we told them what happened. We joked around. Tried to erase the memory. But I can’t. We cannot.

Marty cannot get over, two hours had passed by and we were on our way on finishing it yet he still kept on talking about how terror he is.

“He should’ve consider our situation”

Consideration. The thing we wanted at that moment but was never given to us. We were pressured. They expected too much. But what can we do? Nothing. We didn’t have a choice but to continue.

We finally finished it and we were just in time for the last period in the morning, Mathematics. It would be very rare if I won’t listen to a discussion during Math but during the whole period, I didn’t listen to our teacher. I can still feel the words repeating inside of my head that time.

Maybe that’s the effect of a teacher to a student. The words that came and will come to their mouths could change the lives of their students, either in a positive or negative way.

I still admire him as a teacher. I just couldn’t believe why I was so stupid.

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