I just dont get this scenario that at some moments youre happy and then in just a snap, your world turns on the exact opposite. Patya na lang ko, Lord. I dont wanna feel this pain anymore.
It’s 10 pm and it’s a miracle I’m not watching k-dramas at this hour. I decided to give myself a rest and look on some things here. As I read my past entries, I couldn’t help but think on how was I able to write those. I can’t even imagine myself coming up with the subject and words; it’s completely different to myself right now.
Before I composed this, I’ve made 2 drafts with different topics and themes. I wanted to write something that I forced myself to think of something. I thought that I already made a nice entry but it just doesn’t feels right. The lack of emotion and passion in writing is wrong.
I feel myself slowly giving up from writing things. There were some days where I visited my blog and I kept on re-reading my past entries as if it’s not me who wrote it. I lost my excitement and eagerness to open my blog immediately if certain things happened. Now, I already forgot some of the events before writing entries about it. Before, I would just click the “Write” button and feel the keyboard and then I could already write something but now, it would take hours to make a paragraph.
I don’t want to lose this too. I found myself again here by writing my thoughts but I think my inner self would run away again. I think I would again spend nights with blank thoughts and sleep with confused mind.
Self, help me.
-M , December 22, 2016
Have you ever felt that pang in your heart for once in your life? I mean that feeling of as if its breaking into pieces and it hurts so much yet, you don’t even know how to nake everything back to normal because you can’t see even a concrete picture of it. It’s all visualization. And as much as we want to wish for the pain to be imaginary also, it still hurts. And it continues.
Why do life has to be this hard? Everyday is a walk on fire. We keep on stumbling upon obstacles on obstacles and doesn’t end. I just want a normal life. Where my mother would prepare our breakfast while my dad’s having his morning coffee and my little brother is happily watching cartoons. Just those simple things. I just want to experience those. But i guess some things are meant to be sacrificed in order to gain a better life. But is this the better life?
I feel so pathetic that I enclosed myself in this stupid idea for days now and I literally disassociated my own self from reality because I thought it would make me feel better. Yet it didn’t. And made everything worser.
I don’t even know if what specific problem am i talking about because every word just keeps on spilling out of my mind and I just wanna clear at least a quarter of nonsensical things in my head to which trigger my overthinking madness.
I hope that whatever life has to offer – whether it be good or bad- I wish for myself to be ready and to be mature and to at least take a few seconds of silence to think things over. Maybe in that way, it’ll prevent my future self from doing stupid things that I’ll surely regret later.
When you’re alone and you get the chance to lurk over your window, watch people on the sidewalk laughing, listen to car machines rumbling, that’s when your world is at its most silent state. Which is kinda ironic, eh?
Ive never loved the life im living. This is pure torture. Its so easy acting so happy in front of those people around you, believe me, but real battles begin when youre alone in your room and you have all night to think about how fcked up your life is. Then denial comes along and that’s the hardest to avoid. Why is it so hard to accept that you’re hurting?May be because people want to look tough, to look that theyre okay, that theyve already moved on from everything, that they forgot that the very first step in moving forward is to identify the pain?
Why do we avoid the pain? Is it our defense mechanism? That choosing not to address the root cause of our pain is being brave? Isnt that cowardness? If yes, then am I a… coward?
I dont open up to people. Thats probably the last thing i’ll ever do, but of course I tried to yet I couldnt stand the aftermath of everytime I open up to someone. The pity? The concern? I just couldnt handle it. I always divery my attention to other things just to make myself believe that I am okay. I have my hobbies, my friends, i almost have everything (thats what they say) but tables would turn whenever Im left alone.
That feeling of drowning in your own thoughts and youre just surrounded by blackness? I feel that every.day. And I dont how to stop. Or will it ever stop?
It saddens me that a few of my acquaintances are very vocal about how they perceive my life. They said that my success after 5 to 10 years is so clear. That Im living a life they’ve wished they lived on. That Im just so lucky in this lifetime…….
Are these all worth the pain im bearing?
Decluttering is what they say the first step to achieve minimalism. It is indeed. But regardless of its nature, I think sometimes in our life, we also need to ‘declutter’ a few people.
It has been quite popular on social media the question from Marie Kondo. Does it spark joy? And a lot of people were motivated to only keep things that ‘spark’ joy in their life.
Life has been tough for the past few months. Ive been suffering the consequences of my actions and regrets played a big factor. Maybe this is karma? Each day that had passed, I got through it with a heavy heart. I don’t know why and I dont know when it started but in the midst of all confusions, I am only sure on one thing: I want to redeem myself.
I just want to bring back that same passion, again. That same aggressiveness. That same happiness. That same serenity.
Yesterday, I promised myself to start focusing on things that matter. To focus myself on things AND people that spark joy and happiness in my life. Told myself not to force my own on something that isnt really meant for me. To already stop pursuing if it makes you question your self-worth already. Yesterday, I promised to do myself a favor 😊 and that is through detaching myself on worthless feelings and to start ‘decluttering’ some people in my life.
It might be a long journey, self. But small steps would go a long way.
Hello guys! What’s up? Actually i am very sorrryyy for my tardiness. I just couldn’t find the perfect timing to write an entry about my life and whatsoever. This has been an entry that I’ve been wanting to do quite some time now but yeah, talking about laziness and busy scheds. So here it is!!! What happened about my Journalism journey this year and what are our achievements?
First things first, lets start with the DSPC or the Division Schools Press Conference. This is my 2nd time joining DSPC. For the informaton of everyone I was not able to make it to top 5 last year (u need to be in top 5 to advance to regional competition) so I competed during the division with a crashed hope; cause i thought i couldn’t do it!!. So days before the dspc contest, there were no trainings, we were put up in a battle with no armors. yes, that was our feeling. Then on October 12, the proper contest happened. I can still remember my tension BUT I was not that nervous compared to last year. I actually had more opponents than the last and the thing that I kept on telling to myself was to just FINISH the article and that no matter what the results would be, I’ll accept it then try again next year. Continue reading “Pre and Post DSPC Contest”
It has been a loooong time since I made an entry on this blog. I just could not find any motivation to write despite the things that have been going on around me. Words were and are starting to exhale away from me. In short, I’ve been having a hard time describing things in letters. So for now, I’m just gonna post a Sunday Currently entry. I promise, my dear blog, I’ll fill you up with stories. Soon.
I really am not reading anything. Not just at this moment but also these past few weeks. The last book I read was November 9 by Colleen Hover and that was on May I think?? Yep, it is not my regular reading habit. I am trying to cultivate that inner passion again.
The sound of my electric fan. Ang ingay!
About the upcoming school week. I am a Senior High student now and our proper class started last week. I can say it is really different from my Junior Highschool days so I am thinking whether I’ll get that fuel to improve myself more or I’ll help myself be discouraged and’ll continue the unproductiveness 😦
Oh, self, help us.
For a nice and productive week ahead
For me to achieve my fullest potential and to finally identify my asset. It’s difficult whenever people around you seem to truly know themselves and you’re just there like “Okay, continue your passion. I’ll just witness all of you succeed.” Ugh
White t-shirt and a comic shorts LOL
The universe. The world. Everyone. Charot!
Oppo f7. YEP it is a want because my phone’s still working (tho it keeps on lagging but I can work on that) but I like it. 😦
MOTIVATION AND INSPIRATION
Genuinely grateful yet beyond joy 🙂
By the way, here’s a pic of me. Missed me? LOL as if there are people who read my posts HAHA!
So this is me today, How about you?
I am very late this year, I know. I was not able to compose before the new year’s eve because I was really tired that time after helping in our family business and I just spent the remaining hours outdoor. 2017 was truly a rollercoaster ride with full of ups and downs that’s why I wouldn’t let the year pass by without me writing any entry about it. So here it is, how’s my 2017?
2017 was both my worst and best year. It started with a sweet kind of aura, since there were only 3 months left of my grade 9 journey (in leyte). I could say the remaining 3 months were all amazing. I’ve experienced love from my friends, as well as love from a special someone and I would not trade anything for those moments. Yet, at the middle of the year, I was transferred back to Tagum and literally finished my 4-year stay in Bato.
That was the worst thing ever. Alien faces, way too different hobbies and schoolmates, plus the stressful school. Even though it is already 2018, I can say I’m still not able to fully adjust in my current school. Me and my dad were frequently fighting during my first 3 months because I became so lazy the school already sent us this letter about my so-called “tardiness”. I never liked it there. After the school hours, I immediately went home without having any plans of interacting or bonding with my new classmates.
I can still remember how annoyed I am with them every time even though they did not do anything to annoy me. Not until journalism happened that I was able to find my rhythm and finally had an excuse not to participate with any of their school works. Journ started in september and since then we barely walked in our classes. We were always excused, then still take the exams without even knowing what’s the coverage.
I do not have a single idea why I was still the first honor in the classroom during the second quarter despite of not entering the class. Being the second honor in the overall honoring is already an achievement yet most of them were shocked why I was not the first honor ugh. I honestly could not survive my grade 10 journey without my journalism family.
On the other hand, 2017 definitely challenged me to the highest level. It triggered my safe choices and me want to take more of risky moments. Staying in your comfort zone is, of course, safe yet it will never upgrade you. I did not became a risk-taker wholly but I think I must say I am starting to become one slowly. It was never a smooth journey, with all the lapses and the like, but I am just happy that the discomforts and strangeness were not successful control me and my self-thinking.
I’ve made mistakes this year and will still make one or more through the following years but I just want to say that those mistakes will not hinder you for saying ,” This is my best year.” We all were not instructed to make a perfect year, yet, we ourselves know that we must make a fulfilling year ahead.
At the end part of my entry, i just want to give this paragraph for the people who made this year a loveable and enjoyable one for me. To my Leyte squad, who I felt the sincerity all throughout the year, thank you to you all and for never failing on making me happy even though we communicate the most online. To my journalism family which broke down gender and age disparity, you guys definitely highlighted my grade 10 journey. To my family, let’s keep on fighting and fighting!
For my 2018, I just want to say
More happens the less you expect
I just want to keep on doing what I love and to never settle for anything less. I want to improve myself more and my perspective onto things because I am no kid anymore. I just wish that with all the things I’ve learned, I will use it as an instrument to overcome another year.
Let us make the past year a template for new beginnings and a lesson as we begin a new chapter. Change what you want to change and not what the society tells you to change. Cheers to a more fulfilling and loved year in front of us. Hoping for a more understanding people and less judgmental society. Start the year with a brimming smile and an anticipating heart- because you are not supposed to be ready for surprises, right?
Love you all! (If there are still people who read my post)
I’ve always loved writing. This blog is the concrete evidence on how passionate I am with my every entries or write-ups that’s why when my school made us choose on what club to join, I chose journalism.
What’s funny is that my mindset before circulated about this foolish idea that journalism is all about literary entries (e.g poems, comics, and etc). When we first had a meeting (that was July) I’ve never thought that there are different sections in journalism and that it is all about issues, never flowery words nor literary fictions.
I was shocked. Was too ignorant, yet I grabbed the chance. Months passed and September came, time to prepare for the upcoming DSPC Contest. Supposed to be a screening within the people who volunteered must happen but due to a few students who participated, we were immediately assigned on where particular section we want to write.
Hello! What’s up to all the people (as if someone would really read my post lol). It has been so long since my last Sunday Currently entry and I was still in Grade 9 that time. I’m Grade 10 now! So I was pretty busy these past few days and I kind of missed writing that’s why I’m back at it again. Now, how’s my Sunday Afternoon?
Just like on the featured image, I was reading Lang Leav’s The Universe of Us and finished it before making an entry. Ugh, the words used by Lang Leav fill my bones and stunned me like a thunderbolt. She was right, words are really your power.
I recommend you guys to read Lang’s pieces, there are all absolutely and certainly amazing!
P.S Just prepare a dictionary beside you. Sometimes her words are so deep my mere mind cannot not take it all.
The noises created by the workers outside. I opened my window kasi so I could really hear all those sounds.
But with exception to the noises, I am, of course, listening to Ed Sheeran! Who would not listen to him, anyway? Oh Ed, why you make me feel like I’m falling in love.
Why Alex&Sierra broke up! Oh nooooo I really couldn’t understand it at first! Why? But at the end of the day, I’m just a fan so I’ll still support them in any ways even if that means supporting them differently.
In other terms, I am also thinking about what will happen tomorrow for our Sabayang Pagbigkas. We need to present it on Tuesday and we still weren’t able to practice! Halp
To take a break.
For a faster week ahead. I want days to catapult before me. I feel like I’m living in a prison without bars and all it takes to find solace is to witness those stars fall for me.
A t-shirt and shorts
The new words I encountered. Thanks to you Lang.
To unwind and more me time.
Motivation and inspiration. I can feel myself slowly losing that eagerness and excitement in anticipating mornings. Mornings meant new life for me, before, but now, it suffocate me. The thought of waking up again just doesn’t feel right. I’m on the point of my life where I’m so tired, I am already oblivious. I just want to rest. Please.
So this is me today, How about you?